Thursday, August 6, 2015

::A Laugh a Day::The Three-Legged Chicken, etc

::A Laugh a Day::

Posted: 05 Aug 2015 11:55 PM PDT

The Three-Legged Chicken
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three-legged chicken. Amazed, he turned off the road and drove down a long driveway to the nearest farmhouse. There he saw a man in the yard and dozens of three-legged chickens. He called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three-legged chickens?" The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like the drumstick. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece." "That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?" "Don't know, I wasn't able to catch one."

When You've Had a Bad Day
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay. Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.

Saying the Blessing
At the dinner table with a large number of guests, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I don't know what to say." "Just say what you hear Mommy say." The little girl bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Last Meal
Three prisoners are captured in the war. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The first asks for and receives Pepperoni Pizza. The second requests and receives a Filet Mignon. The third requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply, "strawberries?" "Yes, Strawberries." "But, they are out of season!" "That's OK. I'll wait…."

For an art project the first grader handed in a blank sheet of paper. The teacher said, "What is this?" "It's a drawing of a cow eating grass." "Where's the grass?" "The cow ate all of it" "Then, where's the cow?" "The cow left because there was no more grass."

We'll Miss You
I said to my wife, "Wouldn't it be great to move to Alaska or someplace and live in a log cabin without electricity, hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car? If we decided to do that permanently, away from civilization, what would you and the kids miss the most?" She replied, "You."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him , "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair…." To which his father replied… "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

The Little League tournament was extremely challenging and the competition was intense. The coach felt the need to remind one of his players about the importance of team play and good sportsmanship. He asked the player, "Do you know what good sportsmanship is?" "Yes." "You know that you shouldn't curse at the umpire or throw things in anger?" "Yes." "Good. Now could you please go tell your parents?"

Smart Pills
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out. He was on the bus where he normally got his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle with small brown balls in it. After discreetly getting some milk duds from his pocket, he then put the candy in his mouth and began making 'mmm... yum!' type sounds loud enough for the other kids to hear. The bus bully then snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked 'What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?' 'Well, they're smart pills,' Ken replied. 'Smart pills?' the bully sneered. He opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. 'Pweeuuweppblahhh!' he reacted. 'What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!!' Ken smiled. 'See, you're getting smarter already!'

The first grade was learning the letters of the alphabet. 'What comes after T?' the teacher asked. Nettie quickly answered, 'V'.

Ten men and a woman were hanging onto a rope dangling from a helicopter. Suddenly the rope began to fray! They realized that unless one person sacrificed themselves and dropped off, they all would die. The silence was deafening. Finally the woman gave a touching speech. "I will give up my life to save the rest of you, because women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

A guy walks into a hardware store and says, "I want a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in an hour." "Well, if you need to cut that much wood that fast, you need this top-of-the-line model." "Okay, I'll take it." The next day he brings it back. "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all day!" The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what's wrong. At that the customer asks, "What's that noise?"

Monday, August 3, 2015

::A Laugh a Day::College Life, etc

::College Life, etc::

College Life
One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year. "Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections"? another friend suggested. "I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."

Septic Tank
A young preacher who was new to the community was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the graveside ceremony, because the deceased had lived so long he had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Do you think we should tell him that's a septic tank?"

Pass It On 
My husband and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When my husband began a story, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly, he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?" We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message. "What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me." "But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!" Suddenly, we realized what had happened. Sheepishly, we returned to our table. His boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one, I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along."

Emerging Intelligence 
Out in space, two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first alien says, "The dominant life formed on the earth planet have developed satellite based weapons." The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so. They have them aimed at themselves."


Saturday, August 1, 2015

Coming Late at Work

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"? "They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

Posted By Blogger to ::A Laugh a Day:: at 7/31/2015 08:58:00 PM